I have many couple friends that are either stressed themselves or have to deal with their spouse being stressed. And let's be honest, our relationship is no different. After being married for almost five years, we've been through our ups and downs of stresses. Outside stressors can sometimes be brought in the home and can cause tension between a couple (which has happened to us many times), but they don't have to be. I've compiled a list of things that I do to take proactive approach in dealing with stress in a marriage.
#1. Actively Listen: When Felix comes home and I know he's about to unload his work stress to me - I know it's time for me to put my phone away, turn the TV off and have him sit down and it is time for me to listen. I let him talk out and process his day's stresses, listen carefully, affirm him of his decisions, provide encouragement. Many times when I'm listening, I don't offer any advice unless it's asked... when I'm personally stressed, sometimes you just need to vent your issues. You know your spouse - only give advice when it seems like they need it.
#2. Figure out how your spouse deals with stress + then let him/her deal with it: My husband when he's stressed out just needs his time alone to play games on the computer. When I'm stressed, I'll often cry and vent and want to get things done. So I know when Felix is stressed after a long day, I'll listen to his thoughts, and let him go off and play games. When Felix knows I'm stressed, he'll let me vent, hug me as I cry, and then help me with chores that I may want finished or drive to help me run errands I need to do. When your spouse is at their lowest, they need you to meet them there.
#3. Find ways to care for your spouse: Just because he unloaded at the end of the day doesn't mean his stresses have disappeared. When Fel is stressed at work, packing him an extra snack with a little note, a text or making him an encouraging notecard has always reminded him that he's not alone in his stress and that there are better moments ahead. Similarly, when I am stressed somewhere - I'll often get a text or a picture of him with a thumbs up saying "you can do it!" LOL - it'll often make me smile and remind me that I always have someone on my side.
#4. Don't take things personally: I've learned this SO the hard way. Many times when Felix is stressed out and he may take things out on me or he may ignore me. I used to internalize it as "Felix doesn't love me.. He doesn't care about my needs.." and I would resent him and bottle it up. Similarly, sometimes Felix will offer advice to me when I'm upset and I'm just not in the mood to hear it and he'll get upset that his words are not valued. Of course, in both situations because we took the reactions personally, it usually led to an argument that caused more stress to both of us. Know that stress sometimes takes a toll in different ways and occasionally, you need to just let things go and think less of yourself.. because right now your spouse needs you!
#5. Communicate your own needs: Although it's important to not take things personally - that doesn't exempt you from becoming stressed as well. Sometimes spousal stress can lead to the other one getting stressed, especially when you may be getting the short end of the stick for many days, weeks or even months. I found that communicating my own needs really helped us deal with our relationship in a healthy way. For example, as I've said before, when Felix is stressed, he'll go off to play games and then when its time for bed, he's tired and literally passes out before I get to even say anything to him... so I'll ask him, hey, do you think you can end your game like 15 minutes early and we can just have some time in bed to chat? This will prepare him to serve me and it prevents me from getting all crazy mad before I sleep lol.
#6. Pray for him/her: Being christians, prayer is an integral part of our daily needs. In times of stress and worry, (and excitement and praise), we rely on our heavenly father for guidance since we know that we're unable to do it all alone. We pray for guidance, courage, strength and peace in every situation we are dealing with.
#7. Take a break together: Lastly, it's healthy to just get out of your every day environment. Planning a trip together, whether it's far or close, overnight or day can bring a different kind of excitement back into your lives. It changes up the pace and can give you a sense of renewal or maybe even give you a different outlook on your stressful situation.
And that's our little list of how we deal with stress! Stress is never easy to deal with - but sometimes it helps when your spouse takes a proactive approach in helping you deal with it. Taking a bit of time off thinking of yourself to help your spouse -- isn't that what marriage is all about? Let me know if you have any other ones you'd add to the list! :P
